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What I did. What I felt. What I did to him. Regret was a five tonne weight that sat on my chest and slid around painfully when I tried to move. Somewhere around day two, I started having memories of my childhood. Memories of being hurt, insulted, and used.

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I started to understand, for the first time, what was going on. I started to understand what was happening to me. The hunted becomes the hunter. I still felt like a monster. I felt like I had done horrible, unforgivable things to people that I could never, ever take back. Not just my ex, but other people I had exposed to my twisted self over the years. My words. My face. I fervently apologized and made my amends. I begged for forgiveness. No matter how much forgiveness I received, I still felt the same.

I started to lose hope. I started to feel like I would carry the weight of my mistakes with me forever. And I did. It took time and tears, but I found compassion and I gave forgiveness. Since that day, everything has been different. I lost all the Psycho. I lost all the Bitchiness. I left Hell. It is the only way because every monster was once a frightened little child who was scared of monsters. No one wants to be a victim forever. No one can live in shame forever. Every bully was a victim once. But I really believe it. Shame is the prerequisite to violence.

Forgiveness is hard.


It is. But, if we fight hate with hate, that breeds more hate. As for my ex, I saw him on the street about a year ago. His hair tied back, his jeans without holes, and a girl on his arm, we walked by each other with only a glance. You know, the crazy one who …. A statistic. A character in a story. A series of comma-separated adjectives.

With every day is a chance for me to do good in the world. I wish that all the men out there with stories of crazy bitches like me would forgive us. Because so many of us are reformed and repentant now.

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  • Of course, some are still the same. All the while, all the Psycho Bitches From Hell in this world are just hurting, confused, and lost.

    So are all the Angry Assholes. Compassion is the only way that people make it out of the cycle alive. In order to be mentally healthy, we have to heal. We can only heal with love, support, and understanding. Martin Luther King Jr. But compassion is absolutely the only way that we can ever hope to live in a society where we can coexist in peace—as men, as women, as people. To forgive and love one another is, really, the closest any of us are going to come to perfection. I would like to personally thank Atalwin Pilon for suggesting that I write this story, title and all.

    It is the mark of a true leader to challenge others to make leaders of themselves. Thank you, Atalwin, for inspiring and motivating me. Vironika Tugaleva is a people lover, inspirational speaker, reformed cynic, coach, and bestselling author of the award-winning book The Love Mindset. Her work helps people develop self-awareness, cultivate peace of mind, and discover the importance of healing, loving, and understanding themselves. You're invited to read more about Vironika and get a sneak preview of The Love Mindset.

    January is National Breakup Month | HuffPost Life

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Also why do you let your ex speak about you that way right in front of you? Hes a rude bitter twat! Start talking shit about him to his girlfriend see how he likes it. Men deserve it.


    OT question why is the picture of a sleepy woman portrayed in the article as psycho from hell? I dont see the connection???? Vironika…as you said you have never known a woman to admit to being a psycho bitch or as angry and out of control. Because she lives in a culture that encourages her to be deceptive,too blame someone else for her shit, especially around issues of anger and violence.

    It goes beyond religion into science even. Look at Game Theory. True self-interest lies in finding cooperation with the group. In that, my sharing a story that most people are ashamed of is serving a public good and, to be honest, it served me more than I thought it would.

    We all have the potential to do unspeakable horrors. It takes a lot of bravery to admit this about oneself… but once we begin to do so we start the process of healing. This is the same basic wisdom Buddha and Jesus etc. By learning to forgive and refraining from judgement, we return to the perfection around us. For instance, to use an example, at a party back when I was 19, a woman attacked me, so I threw her on the ground. A couple of years later, I found out that one of her friends was spreading stories about me saying that I beat on women. So I confronted her. Problem is instead of extended the possibility that whenever a woman gets violent it may have been in self defense an assumption was extended.